Behind the Mask

In our daily lives, we meet all types of people. Some leave their imprints on our hearts and others leave blemishes in our mind. Whomever shall find a friend, finds a treasure, but whomever can identify an enemy, will save themselves from a ton of pain.

It seems like its a never ending cycle of pain when somebody you love, betrays you. In your mind you try to justify their actions. Nothing makes sense, some days nothing matters. The challenge is to forgive, keep your dignity, move forward, while keeping a smile on your face. Not an easy task, but its possible.

When a person you loved betrays you, how do you cope?

How do you move forward?

How do you forgive?

How do you trust again?

When the hurt is soo strong and you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you just exist. What do you do?

A great lesson for life is always keep in mind that there will be people who wear masks. They are one way in society, while eyes are watching, but another way behind closed doors…That friend who betrayed you, was wearing a friend mask, but was always an enemy.

Also keep in mind that when people betray you, they are hurting on the inside. People who are hurting on the inside, sometimes hurt those who are closest tot them.

How do I deal with those who wear masks? How do I deal with those who betray me? My answer is one word: FORGIVENESS.

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What would you wish for?

If I had to wish, what would it be

I would wish for peace for humanity

I would wish for cures for every disease

I would wish for all countries to be free

 

If I had to wish, I would pray out loud

For those to stand for something and always be proud

I would wish for you to be

Everything that I knew you could be

 

If I had to wish, I am so sentimental 

I would wish for people to be non-judgemental

I would wish for love, I would wish for joy

I would wish I for safety for every girl and boy

 

I know my poem is simple

 I know I could wish for much more

Things I wish for, you don’t get from a store

I wished for things that mean a lot to me

If my wishes came true, just think how great this world would be

What does a broken heart feel like

What?  Oh no not again.

I just place in the zone called a friend

I gave you my best

I gave you my everything

So why is she wearing that brand new ring

TEARS!

SCREAM!

AGONY!

PAIN!

I can’t breathe

I can’t breathe

I can’t breathe

I can’t believe

I can’t conceive 

I don’t wont these old memories

Memories!

Memories!

Memories!

Memories are all I have now

I have that and a broken heart

 

UNLOVEABLE

I notice you staring at me in a distance place.

I notice that awkward stunned look on your face.

I guess you are wondering how could it be.

That a person could love, some one so unloveable as me.

 

 

I may not be what you want me to.

I may not look so beautiful.

I may not be over five feet.

 All of your standards I may not meet.

 

What I lack on the outside, I make up from within.

Unloveable by your point of view, says I lost, but I win.

I never knew that being loved, could make me feel so grand.

I never knew how great it was to hold somebody’s hand.

 

I look in the mirror and I smile at my reflection.

I may not be your ideal of perfect, but to God I am perfection.

Unloveable, unloveable, no that is not my name.

Fearfully, wonderfully made,and I’m not a shame.

 

The next time somebody makes you feel like you are undeserving.

Maybe saying meaningless things that seem to be unnerving.

Never let it break you down, never let it cause you stress.

Let them know that you already are being loved by the best.

 

 

ELEVATED VIEW

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It’s funny how a situation can cause you to lose focus. I mean, good news, bad news,happy news or sad news. Any kind of news that creates a shift in the atmosphere of life causes your views to take on different perspectives. I am in a place, I like to call elevated view. What do you mean? Well, for me, my elevated view usually kicks in, when life kicks me.

It always happens during a circumstance in which I didn’t see coming. Sometimes its something simple and sometimes something more extreme, but nevertheless, it affects my emotions. An elevated view, is when you are able to look beyond a circumstance and believe that what is going on around you, will develop into something greater than you expected.

Looking beyond the circumstances, doesn’t mean you are in denial, it just means that you choose not to let the circumstance make or break you. Once you begin to incorporate an elevated view, you wont see circumstances the same way you have in the past.

I had to choose between sitting on a pity pot and throwing myself a pity party every week or I would face facts, pick myself up and move forward. It’s amazing when you don’t have too many options. What motivates you, will always be a deciding factor in how you view your life.

The love I have for others motivates me. The ability to see how great a person can be and trying to convey those concepts to a broken person, is what motivates me. Understanding that no one is perfect and we all have flaws, motivates me. But each day I arise, whether I am in pain, heartbroken, sad, confused, troubled, worried, lonely, ill or just feeling numb, my motivation comes from knowing God allowed me to wake up, therefore, I have more work to do.

If you have felt defeated, or feeling negative about your circumstance, I encourage you to start to elevate your view. You are so much bigger than this circumstance. You are stronger than your circumstance and YOU ARE NOT YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE. Get elevated, move a level higher than where you are and you will enjoy the view as you go through this circumstance. I am a living witness, it will get better.

“I will lift mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2

FORGIVENESS, WHO REALLY BENEFITS?

All my life, I am told “you are such a nice person”, “you are such a sweet person”, “If I was you, I would have been so mean”, and “I could not have done that, but you are too nice.” I sit and pensively think about why do I tend to forgive so easily.

Here is a little back story:

My mother was a teenager when she gave birth to me. She did not have a mom because her mother died when she was a small girl. She was raised by her father and he had no idea how to raise a young lady. Both my mother and I lived in foster . It was reported that after she gave birth to me, the home of her father was deemed unsafe for a baby. Can you imagine, how this teenage mother must have felt? Can you imagine being told the only home that supposedly was good enough for a little girl, was no longer good enough for her new born baby?

 

We lived in one foster home after another, because she was so broken on the inside that she defied authority. To make her statement boldly, she would run away with me in tow. I am sure it was painful for the foster parents to see her angered so easily in which she would leave, but I think the most pain came from them not knowing where she was going and taking me with her. Did she know what was best for the both of us? I am certain she did not. A child herself. Her innocence gone forever, and who did she have as an example to be a mother? Nobody.

Eventually, my mom, would leave me and never returned…..Yes now its just me living in foster homes. Most people have photos of their first birthday or some kind of memento of their childhood. It tells the story of things that they were too young to remember. My memento is always worn in my heart. It’s the feeling of abandonment when my mom left me and knowing that my father never wanted anything to do with me. Yes, my father, a man who had other plans that never included me.

 

I use to daydream about the man I thought was my father. I assumed he had no idea I existed, but once he did, he would run to save me and love me forever. No, from what I am told, he was much older than my mom. He had other plans. He was very intelligent, well-spoken, very attractive, athletic and a high school graduate. Mom never graduated.

I can recall, there were moments living in foster care where I would pray for a family. I knew what I wanted, I just didn’t know how to articulate it well. I wanted parents who loved me unconditionally.I wanted siblings. I wanted my biological parents, but that was no longer an option. As I sit here typing the most personal blog, I think…I had no idea what Christmas was, Easter(Passover), Thanksgiving etc…I had no idea because in the home where I dwell, we didn’t celebrate those things.

Believe it or not, there is not a day that goes by, that I don’t feel the pain and void that my parents caused(my memento), however, I forgive them. Those were the two individuals who caused the greatest amount of pain in my life, yet I forgive them and I have some understanding about their choices. I guess, if I can forgive them..why would I not forgive others who have done much less to me. I will continue another blog later about my life in a foster home at another time.

 

Sometimes the most loving thing a person can do for another person, is to let them go when they know that they are not good for them. If you hold on to an individual and constantly hurt them….how can you say that is love. Your character is at stake with every heart you break.—noshal

How to begin an affair and get away with it!

I saw you across the room.

But you did not noticed me.

I stared intently for a time.

Until you felt my longing gaze.

I looked away, as you looked at me.

Now begins the dance.

The dance that I will regret.

The dance I will never forget.

The dance that is utterly wrong.

The dance that wont last long.

I am entangled, I am a mess.

I am falling into the abyss.

How did this happen to me?

How could I sink so low?

Why did I let my guard down.

What will become of this?

I just don’t know.

When you give your heart away.

Be careful and sure.

Because you may give it to someone  who will never be yours.

A dance is a dance, nothing more  and  nothing less.

The wrong dance partner will make you depressed.

How to have an affair and get away with it.

Is to never begin one at all.

Never even play with it.

Feelings get involved.

Feelings get confused. 

It wont take long before you start coming unglued.

The desire may burn.

The temptation may increase. 

If you hold on to your morals, soon they both shall cease.

It’s not easy, when you start the dance.

It all started with just one glance.

I can’t be certain, but just know this one thing.

Always stay away from those with a ring.

The symbol of commitment it symbolizes. 

A loyalty unshakable, the public recognizes.

The love you want, or the love you need.

There is no love  in this type of deed.

I may be bias.

Who can say.

I just don’t know about the games people play.

For me, I have seen, felt the hurt and despair.

All because of somebody’s affair. 

Affairs hurt many, even those not involved. 

It creates so many problems that may never be solved.

So I caution you, if that’s on your mind.

Remember those you may hurt and think next time.

Where has my beauty gone?

I can recall a time when I felt the most beautiful. It’s so frustrating that when I think about those times, I was single, working on my career goals and attending college. What changed? I got in a relationship.

 

It’s interesting to know that some people thrive off of being in relationships. Some even say that being in relationships “complete them”. I don’t identify with either of those things I felt more complete being single, and now on the brink of divorce and being a single parent, I am starting to feel complete again.

Don’t misunderstand me, I love friendships with all kinds of people, but dating, in my opinion, is not for me. GOSH!  Did I just admit this on a BLOG? For some reason, I just felt like it wasn’t normal to be content with being single. I often hear people tell me “one day you will get the love you deserve” or “one day you will marry again”. I cringed at the thought and I shutter to even think about going through such agony again. Who needs the emotional draining? I sure don’t!

 

The worst feeling in life is to feel alone, miserable and unloved while in a relationship with somebody who does not respect or appreciate you.Maybe I could be bitter or just lost my faith in relationships. What are the solid foundations of a long term and loving relationship? I thought I exhibited those qualities, but evidently, I didn’t. I don’t point fingers at my significant other because we both needed improving. I must move forward, work on myself and be better than before.

One truth that I have always embraced…Deal with the hurt when it is felt or the hurt will deal with you if you are in denial.

The news you expected, but still wasn’t ready to accept.

It has been about five years since my child was diagnosed with autism. I can remember watching my baby do things that I consider remarkable for that age. I can remember every milestone being achieved and some before it was considered time. I remember the day, my baby stopped responding to me when I would call the name.

I immediately started looking up symptoms. All the classic signs were present, yet, I wanted a definite answer. I did what any mother would do…Question the pediatrician, only to be told “it was normal” In my mind, I know this behavior was not normal, but being a parent with limited income, and even more of a limited knowledge of what autism was, I had to figure out what to do and I was open for suggestions. I had family members suggesting that if I pray more, things would get better. The pediatrician suggesting to place my child in a day care, but it wasn’t until I met a nurse who suggested a program for home instruction that I had somebody who suggested that my child was autistic.I received a great deal of information on that day, but because this person was not a developmental specialist, I would have to get a formal diagnoses.

It was on a Friday, in June and I remember getting lost in the city before I made it to the appointment. I had hopes that maybe, just maybe, something else was going on, however as soon as the specialist saw my baby..the words “I am certain your child has autism” came freely from her mouth. I heard it it slow motion, I felt a pain in my belly and a lump in my throat and at that moment, the unconditional love I had for my child multiplied even greater than I ever thought it would. I am a parent. I am an advocate, I am a teacher, I am a learner, I am an educator, but I am not a victim and neither is my child.

I have watch my child struggle with things that made my heart break and I have seen my child achieve accomplishments that some deemed not capable for a child with autism. You never know the measure of love you have inside until you begin to fight for somebody who means more than life to you. This journey has its share of tears, fears, and disappointments, but for every tear, I have smiled. for every fear, I found strength. For every disappointment, I have also experienced triumphs.

The news I expected was not the autism diagnoses, but a special challenge to make each day wonderful for somebody who deserves to be treated like a human being. The news I wasn’t ready to accept was not having a child with autism, but how can I be an advocate, when my voice seemed so small and unimportant. We have walks in life that we never knew we would have to endure, but one thing is certain, if it is meant for you to walk the journey, you are equipped to walk on the journey. You got this, be confident, be strong, be kind and choose to love unconditionally.